In Sex and the City Season 1, Episode 7 - The Monogamists, Carrie finds out Mr. Big is dating other women, and she is shaken. She likes him so much that she figures that he is as crazily infatuated as she is.
Is this an example of a woman being passive aggressive? She is assuming and expecting certain things of the man, without actually telling him what she expects. Then when he fails to meet her expectations, she becomes angry and/or upset. Is it her fault for not communicating her expectations to him? It's about communication, Carrie!
OR, is this an example of man's innate aversion to monogamy?
BDF and I didn't use the oh so scary labels of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" until about 2 months after we started dating. At first I was in no rush to commit to someone in that way either. Eventually after about a month, I realized that we were basically in a monogamous relationship anyway. Finally BDF must've realized that too and we (he) admitted that the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend were appropriate.
Along the way, we had a couple talks that weren't quite DTR talks. In my mind, I wasn't really in a rush to get the labels superglued in place, but I just wanted to know if we were on the same trajectory towards an eventual monogamous relationship (hence, "DTT"). During those quick talks, I just confirmed with him that indeed we were on the same page, and then I just as quickly changed the subject.
Looking back, it never really occurred to me to date other people during that nebulous 2 months period of just dating. Just like Carrie did, I assumed that he would be too busy dating me that he wouldn't date other girls. If BDF had dated other girls, I'm not sure how I would've felt about that.
I just quizzed BDF before writing up this post, and one thing BDF and I both agree on is that it would depend at what point dating other people was happening. If he or I dated other people early on, it wouldn't have mattered much. Once you're at the point where you actually know and like the other person, if the other person (Mr. Big) was dating other people, it would be pretty disturbing (Carrie).
When only 1 person views the relationship as monogamous, it may be due to poor communication - lack of DTTs and DTRs. Really though, the most disturbing part is that the idea that the polygamous person might not like the monogamous person as much as the monogamous person likes the polygamous person. Oh, how delicate our hearts (and prides) are!
February 8, 2012
DTR: Defining The Relationship? Or DTT: Defining The Trajectory
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