This episode is funny (and by funny, I mean not funny) bc I absolutely remember for years and years 1) feeling despair over the bleak supply of men out there, and then 2) wondering why all the ones who did come into my life, hit on me, or liked me were such losers/freaks/insert-censored-word-here.
Let me take you on an abbreviated tour of a few guys who tripped into my life before BDF came along:
- Scarf Man: Was a friend. Waited for me outside my last final, led me to a bench by a babbling brook, and confessed his love for me - using the 3rd person. Gave me a single rose (barf) and his cologne-drenched scarf. Asked me to return the scarf to him with "my answer." I wasn't even aware that there was a question asked.
- Unicorn Boy: A new acquaintance who would tell me about this perfect "unicorn" girl he could never get but liked. Wrote xanga posts about this unicorn girl and how he would change for her. After months, turned out that unicorn was me. Wrote long nonsensical emails several times over next couple years when drunk/high continuing the unicorn talk. Ruined My Little Pony for me.
- Culture Chameleon: Ex who came from the whitest white collar family ever. Had no true culture to identify with. Very interested in selected parts of my identity. Realized too late that he liked to date women of color and try to absorb their cultures.
- Slim Shady: Something like 800 years younger than me. Sometimes I wonder if I should have latched on to him during his nascent rap star career. I could've been on MTV Cribs or something. NOT. As a friend put it, his rapping sounds more like mumbling/humming, and his plush suburban life has not proved to be great material for his lyrics.
- Future Husband: Pursued me over the years with annoying IM messages and instigating IM fights. Thought I was playing hard to get. Texted me to inform me that he just had a feeling that we would be married one day. This text was sent while he was on a 1 day "break" from his then-gf. Fun fact: Is the brother of Slim Shady