August 10, 2012

sex in the curious city

Sex and the City Season 2, Episode 14: The Sex Buddy
In this episode, we see Carrie and her Sex Buddy, also known as the All State insurance guy, after her break up with Mr. Big. The episode is centered on the idea of "patterns." Carrie's pattern is to return to her Sex Buddy after every breakup. Read on for our Q&A session about our past relationships and break up patterns.

Since you've never used a back-up guy for a self-esteem boost, have you ever had back-to-back relationships?: MC

Did you ever date a guy that you had to make excuses for? What kind of excuses or ways did you use to make the relationship work? Why did they stop working?: MC

Shave your head! Felicity did it to a lesser extent and I did it too so that must mean it works. Jk...but I do think physical change facilitates mental change or general state of mind. Physical can mean moving somewhere, working out, or traveling. All you have to do is introduce something new into your pattern and you've altered that pattern. Physical can also mean your appearance. Perception is a powerful thing. How you see yourself affects how you feel and interact with others. When I shaved my head, I was physically manifesting my urge to cut someone out of my life. But after, it led to other emotions like feeling badass, fearless, and free, which in turn broke any patterns that I had. :MC

A guilty pleasure after my one breakup was watching old TV shows. I'd lock myself in the apartment and watch all the episodes of Sex and the City, Felicity, and Coupling (a British comedy similar to Friends), in that order. It was part guilty pleasure and part therapy. :MC


JS: I know there are "serial monogomists" out there - I know quite a few. In extreme cases, I know some girls whose identities are based on the boyfriend of the month. It's scary. Usually I associate back-to-back relationships with not-so-healthy, even though it isn't necessarily so. And so, I am a little ashamed to admit that I have done it before. After my first college romance ended, I started dating someone soon after. I dealt with a lot of internal guilt because I had met that Boyfriend #2 while I was still dating Boyfriend #1. Though nothing happened at all, I still felt guilty bc of the timing of it all. When I was older, I recognized that noticing other guys was an early symptom of a future breakup. Because I was unhappy in that relationship, I would start to notice other guys in the world. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I learned to recognize it as an indicator and ask myself why I was unhappy in that relationship. I do think that there are healthy ways to date guys back-to-back. I don't think it's true that you need double the time you were in a relationship to get over it (ex - 6 months to get over a 3 month relationship). It's all about if you're mentally ready. BUT, it is easy to think you're ready even if you're not bc you're busy being sprung on some new guy.

JS: Oh yea. Excuses for the loser boyfriend. I am familiar with those. With one ex-boyfriend, I made a lot of excuses to my friends and family (and yes, myself most of all) about him. I remember distinctly he and I got into a huge fight after a party. The party was an Asian Invasion, and being Asian American myself, I didn't really notice or care. Being White, he was very uncomfortable and took it out on me. People around me questioned me and him - why was he getting mad at me for that? At the time, I didn't realize (or admit) that he wasn't comfortable with being uncomfortable and with being the only minority. Later, all those excuses stopped working because I realized that he was a selfish guy and just couldn't handle that being Asian American was an integral part of my life.

: If you want to break a pattern, what's the best way? Examples?

JS: Did you have a "guilty pleasure" that you indulged in after breakups? Healthy or not!

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